Quit telling me that every new automobile made in this country is the “latest import from Detroit.” If I’m going to buy a car from a third world country, it’ll be from the nuclear wasteland formerly known as Japan.
Obesity is not a disease. I might let you call it a condition, but sorry, you don’t get to tell me that it’s a disease affecting 34% of adults in the U.S. Face it, a third of the country’s adult population aren’t sick, they’re just fat, in some cases grotesquely so. These humans do not need counseling, therapy, or surgery. They just need to exercise more and eat less. On second thought, obesity isn’t even a condition. It’s a rationalization.
So I was on a personality test kick yesterday, and found out the that if I were a cartoon character I’d be Bugs Bunny, if I were a Star Wars character I’d be Darth Vader, and if I were a dragon I’d be an Earth Dragon. Those tests also concluded that in the Marvel Universe I’d pass for Wolverine, but in DC’s setting I’d be Batman. If I were a Winnie the Pooh character I’d be Owl, my inner Pokemon is Mewtwo, and if I were a video game character I’d be Mario. Okay, well at least now I have names and faces to match to a few of the voices in my head.
Have you heard about Latoya Jackson’s new book, the one that’s meant to milk her brother’s passing for a few more bucks? Apparently, the big bombshell in the book is that she thinks there was a conspiracy against Michael and someone was trying to kill him. Of course there was, and I can tell you exactly who was plotting Michael Jackson’s demise; his dad.
And speaking of Michael Jackson, for a comedian and a satirist, the late King of Pop really is the gift that just keeps on giving. In case you haven’t heard, he is still dead, but his doctor is still on trial. It’s been a while since we’ve gotten an update on that case, that’s probably because Casey Anthony has been stealing all of the national headlines. Apparently, before his death, Michael was said to be looking for the perfect anesthesiologist, and in a rather odd and twisted way I guess you could say he found him. Now, I never went to med school, and I didn’t even do all that great in high school biology class, although I have played doctor once or twice, but even I know that if I give you a sedative to someone, and they’re still bouncing off the walls an hour later, the thing to do is not to give them another sedative. At that point, I probably would’ve just had to tell the guy, “Dude, go run some laps. It’s a big house. Just run around until you tire yourself out. If it helps, pretend you’re chasing Macaulay Culkin (or as Michael Jackson used to call him, the one that got away).”
Here’s another one of the random things I can do without; the age verifiers on websites. Look, I get it, companies don’t want to risk public scorn and litigation because small children gained web access to material that might not be appropriate to their age group, but seriously, these are the easiest things to get past. They don’t really impede anyone, and I shouldn’t have to confess to being born January 1, 1905 every time I want to watch an online review of an R-rated movie or an M-rated video game. American school children are stupid, but they aren’t that stupid, even the public school kids have figured this one out. Besides, if they don’t check these things out online, they’ll just corrupt their fragile little minds the old fashioned way, by giving the cool kid on the playground a quarter or rummaging through their step dad’s sock drawer.
And finally today, I’ve been working on a new theory, which is, the larger the vehicle that you drive, the lower your IQ. I realize that this might not be the most popular idea in my home state of Colorado, the SUV capital of the world, but it might explain why the state’s school children do so poorly on those standardized tests compared to some of the other kids around the country. Seriously, look at some of the cretins raising these little bastards, rolling around town in their urban tanks, talking on their cell phones, sipping their soy lattes, totally disregarding all traffic signals, and nearly killing every pedestrian who happens to just be out for a stroll. Come on, these idiots can’t even parallel park, so why in the world would we expect any sort of competency from them when it comes to raising a child and telling them to do well in school?
Ryan Spear's Ad Absurdum 